You know the world is becoming more hostile – and committed to spectacle – when professional golfers start to conduct themselves like professional wrestlers. To gin up some drama around the British Open last summer, Sandy “The Trap” Lyle opened a can of worms that was closed four years hence, calling out Colin “Mulligan” Montgomerie for a controversial incident from the 2005 Indonesia Open. Mulligan was cleared of all wrongdoing in the incident, in which the referee turned his back while Mulligan’s caddy and tag-team partner, Robin “Eagle” Goldfinch re-spotted Mulligan’s ball after a rain delay. But Lyle wasn’t about to let it go at that when he was interviewed last week. Glaring straight into the camera, he made this statement:
That’s right, Mulligan. I got your number. That stunt you pulled in Jakarta might have been cool with the PGA. But it’s not cool with me. We got a score to settle, brother. I’m gonna let you slide in the British Open this weekend. But when I get you in that no-holds-barred Fairway Match at Akron Armageddon next month, I’m takin’ you out. And if I gotta take Eagle out, too, so be it. Whatcha gonna do when The Trap puts the Bunker Hold on you?
As it turned out, that Fairway Match never took place in August because the PGA Mulligan suffered a herniated cervical disc when The Trap gave him a piledriver in the locker room after the British Open. But we can, nevertheless, look for the floodgates to open after this. Now that The Trap has broken the ice, we can expect all manner of past slights, perceived and otherwise, to be dragged into the spotlight in the attempt to make the PGA Tour more burlesque. While we sincerely hope we’re wrong, here are a few of the chestnuts likely to be dug up:
- Fred “Fast and Furious” Funk deliberately hitting onto the fourth green at Greasy Pines Resort in Dentures, Georgia, while Justin “Thorny” Rose was still putting out during the Outdoor Plumbing Open two years ago. Fast and Furious will meet Thorny in a Divot Match in Ponte Vedra Beach next May at the Sawgrass Smackdown.
- John “Big Mo” Daly eating Fred “The Twin” Couples’ three wood at the Conservation Classic at Stagnant Creek Country Club in Hazmat, New Jersey last year, after The Twin made a crack about the six pack in Big Mo’s cart turning into a keg around his middle. Big Mo and The Twin will square off in a Water Hazard Match at Hellfire at Hazeltine in mid-August.
- Retief “The Duck” Goosen telling the wife of Steve “The Moose” Elkington to suck an egg at the Purdue Classic at Manure Meadows in Ripe Acres, Maryland, in 2006. The Duck and The Moose are scheduled to face off in a Fringe Match at Chaos in Kapalua next January. The Moose’s wife is expected to be in his corner.
- Stewart “The Kitchen” Cink giving Ken “The Earl” Duke a wedgie on the practice green on Wednesday before the start of the Dutch Treat Pro-Am at Skinflint Valley in Cheapskate, Missouri last year. The Kitchen and The Earl have a date to tangle in a Bump & Run Match at Trump Thump next March.
The PGA declined to comment on the trend toward overtly hyperbolic promotion. But former tour pro and current NBC Sports golf commentator, Johnny Miller, did have this to say in a statement prepared by his attorneys, reviewed by NBC Sports, edited by Vince McMahon, and read by Mr. Rogers:
While much of what we’re seeing here is a transparent attempt on the part of the PGA to improve its ratings against other professional sports, on-demand cable programming, Netflix subscribers, Apple TV, Blockbuster DVD rentals, TCM, AMC, and watching paint dry, a couple of things need to be noted. First, for the record – and I was there – Brad “The Adonis” Adamonis suffered a back injury when Brian “The Butcher” Batemen hit him with that flag stick a month ago at the Cow Pasture TPC. If not for the pain The Adonis still suffers during his backswing, The Butcher wouldn’t have been fortunate enough to escape with a few stitches in his scalp when The Adonis pulled that crowbar out of his bag last week at Burning Bunions. The Adonis probably would have fractured The Butcher’s skull if he’d been at full strength. If I’m The Butcher, I’m wearing my hard hat and Kevlar when I meet The Adonis later this season at Fallow Farms. According to The Adonis’s manager, Jimmy Hart, this thing is NOT over.
This just in: According to NBC Sports, Mr. Miller’s fingerprints were found on the crowbar The Adonis used to pry open The Butcher’s coconut. As a result, Miller will be replaced on the network’s golf coverage by another veteran of the broadcast booth, Mean Gene Okerlund.
Related posts:
