COLOMBO (AFP) — Sri Lankan police say they have arrested an astrologer after he predicted serious political and economic problems for the government of President Mahinda Rajapakse. Chandrasiri Bandara, who writes an astrology column for a pro-opposition weekly, was taken in on Thursday, police spokesman Ranjith Gunasekara said … The astrologer had predicted that a planetary change on October 8 will be inauspicious for parliament and the government may not be able to arrest rising living costs – a prediction already made by private economists … Sri Lankan politicians take astrology seriously and most have their own personal seers who decide the auspicious times to launch any new program or work.
I’ve decided to press charges against my astrologer, Madame Beluga for unreasonably favorable predictions. My attorney characterized my grounds for the suit as “feeble”, but I think it’s his way of telling me it’s a lock. He also told me it would be “precedent-setting” for U.S. Tort Law; although, he didn’t specify the nature of the precedent. Bolstered by this good news, I’m enthusiastically anticipating the vindication of my rights.
Here’s the beef: according to Madame Beluga, this is what’s in store for me:
This will be a fantastic month – just your cup of tea! There’ll be plenty to be excited about, and it will be a month that gives you a much-needed change of pace. Fun, time for romance and friends, attention to home-related projects, important developments in regard to work assignments, and even time to go to the gym to get fit will be possible now. Where do I start? Your cup overflows!
First of all, I don’t drink tea. When I do, the tannic acid tends to give me agita. On top of that, it makes my irises – which otherwise tend to be a very peaceful hazel – turn a kind of corroded, burnt orange. I don’t actually mind it. But it makes my pet goldfish, Steve, swim frantically in circles in his bowl until he creates a vortex that pulls all of the mystic crystals to the surface. When that happens, I almost always have really bizarre dreams in which I’m floating around and encountering all kinds of weird people, most of whom seem to have a kid with a sweet tooth. It’s not the dreams I mind. It’s just that fudge is getting so expensive.
Secondly, I don’t need a change of pace. I’ve read “The Tortoise and the Hare” enough to know that slow and steady wins the race. Besides, all that stopping and starting would just make my indigestion worse. I don’t understand why I just can’t relax for the month. After all, my Zen Master, Maharishi Hashish Yogi, says that doing nothing is the essential practice of Buddhism. In fact, that’s why Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree and vowed not to move until he had answered the question he had been asking for many years: why do union employees – most of whom are not Buddhists – do nothing?
Third, how am I supposed to have time for fun, romance, friends, home-related projects, and work assignments if I’m constantly changing pace? The very idea of trying to cram all that into one month exhausts me. And I can’t imagine how I’ll get it all done if I’m not going full-tilt, at least 16 hours a day, including weekends. I’m not sure I’m the kind of person who can handle that much fun. Is there really all that much wrong with what I’m doing now? How can I be enjoying myself so much, and getting so much accomplished, and still be such a miserable failure?
Fourth, I’m not at all comfortable with the suggestion that I have to go to the gym and get fit. I mean, what is she trying to say here? I’m well within the guidelines from The President’s Council on Physical Fitness and Sports. I can drop and give you fifty any time you want. I can do 100 squat thrusts, even though I don’t believe anyone other than this guy actually has done any since Charlie Byron made us do them in seventh-grade gym class. And I’m not at all sure I care what the President thinks of my physical fitness, since the dude smokes. Are you kidding?
Finally, I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of my cup overflowing. I don’t expect Madame Beluga to be on top of everything. But she may be the only person in America who’s never heard of the McDonald’s coffee case. Aside from the problems I’ve already described above, is she seriously suggesting I put a cup of hot tea between my legs? That’s not only dangerous – it borders on sexual harassment. And if she wants to sexually harass me, she really can’t come up with anything better than scalding me with tea? That’s a pretty warped way to get your kicks, if you ask me.
In any case (catch that legal pun?), I imagine my complaint should be heard sometime in the next 60 to 90 days. I hope it will debunk this silly astrology mumbo-jumbo once and for all. And since I have every expectation for a favorable verdict and a very lucrative monetary settlement, I’m already drafting charges against my palm reader, my Tarot reader, and the woman who’s going to read the leaves in that cup of tea I might have to put between my legs. You can’t be too careful, you know.
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